Blackburn’s Mothballed Monolith

Posted by Roving Mick on December 1, 2023

Due to financial cutbacks in local government and relocation of staff, Blackburn with Darwen Council now finds itself with a 14 storey office block surplus to requirements.

It begs the question of what should be done with our town centre tower block.  This has led to various debates including demolition, turning it into residential accommodation, perhaps a hotel, or simply finding some other use for our former town hall.

Perhaps a most obvious use for this building would be to try and get an influx of office workers using it for what it was originally built for.  But Blackburn, like most other towns and cities everywhere, seems to be losing jobs in this field.  New Artificial Intelligence technology and a growing use of home working will certainly not help this situation.

One industry whose need for accommodation always seems to be boundless is an ever growing demand for more prisons.  A unique suggestion has been put forward regarding turning Blackburn’s tower block into a kind of civil prison rehabilitation centre.  This would entail civil prisoners, who are not actually criminals, being housed in this building and rehabilitated by being given white collar tasks to do in an office environment, which already exists with this building.

Instead of sewing mailbags, they could be given the task of filling them with junk mail.  They could also be given recycling duties, such as salvaging paper clips and plastic pockets for further office usage.  Many people who have worked in offices will know how much waste of stationary takes place.  It would be nice to also be able to provide not only this, but an office equipment recycling service, including staff who have had problems with their lives.

These inmates of our tower block would also be kitted out in a new style uniform, rather than standard prison apparel.  Theirs would be collars and ties, shirts, blouses and suits.  This is because governors of this institution do not expect anyone housed in Blackburn’s tower block to have any intention of trying to abscond from such a healthy and welcoming environment.  In fact the only time you would ever catch sight of these new inmates would be during fire and bomb drills.

Blackburn’s former town hall tower block has over the years become one of our most recognisable buildings.  Sadly it is now starting to be given derogatory names, such as the ‘Big Empty’ and ‘Mothballed Monolith’.  But compared to how it looked some years ago, before being reclad in today’s design, it still impresses many visitors to our town.  Wouldn’t it be great if Blackburn’s ‘Big Empty’ could become full again.

Venky’s Shellstar Satellite Plan

Posted by Roving Mick on November 1, 2023

Blackburn Rovers’ Indian owners may be on the verge of launching their own satellite into space.  This follows news of their home country successfully landing a spacecraft on the moon in August.

What may have captured Venky’s imagination though was what was inside this spaceship.  Upon landing on the moon’s surface, it released a vehicle called a Lunar Rover.  Unlike India’s previous attempt in 2019, when both their spaceship and lunar rover were destroyed, this landing and subsequent Rover release was a resounding success.

Perhaps Venky’s were moonstruck following this celestial event.  After their own Rovers failure and possible financial murmurings, many people in India cynically said Blackburn Rovers were lost in space and Venky’s final frontier.  But after India’s triumph in space, maybe Venky’s saw something written in the stars after all.

With India’s government wishing to become more involved in today’s space race, this could offer lots of opportunities to businesses across the sub-continent.  Venky’s aren’t the kind of people to miss chances like this.  They are already one of India’s largest multinational corporations and leaders in their field of technology, albeit from an opposite perspective.  They wish to keep their chickens firmly on Terra Ferma and not send them flying off into space.

But being involved in India’s space programme could turn out to be meteoric for them and would certainly put a feather in their cap, not just one of their own.  It could even help their industry.  After all, the Apollo programme produced all sorts of state of the art inventions which we use today.  These include non-stick frying pans and microwave ovens.  These inventions certainly boosted the fast food industry.

Putting a satellite in space could also produce dividends for Venky’s interest in their non-egg shaped interests.  Their ‘Shellstar’ satellite could spy on Rovers’ rivals during their training sessions.  Also, chipping their football club’s players could help keep them out of trouble, especially if they knew a satellite was following their every move.  Rovers know all about surveillance regarding footballers.  Many will remember our former player Gary Croft, who had to wear one of these tag monitors following driving misdemeanours.

Venky’s told India’s government they had no intention of sending a satellite up into space for football reasons.  This is the least of their priorities.  They want to use it for what they see as far more important scientific projects – such as finding a cure for Avian Influenza (Bird Flu).  Venky’s also found out the first living vertebrate to be born in space was a quail and they want to follow this up with chickens.

Potato Peeling Show Suggested In Blackburn

Posted by Roving Mick on October 1, 2023

Blackburn people were recently invited to take part in a house renovation TV programme hosted by a Loose Woman called Stacey.

This programme’s production team contacted people in various locations around the UK.  But it seemed they were out of luck in Blackburn.  They were met with derision and negativity about today’s current crop of similar TV programmes.

Our town’s respondents also complained that there seemed to be nothing original being made these days.  There was a preponderance of cooking, cleaning and DIY programmes which had been going on since those early days of Fanny Craddock.  The message from Blackburn was: Let’s have something different!

One of the sarcastic comments from here asked when were they making the Ironing Show, or the Potato Peeling Programme?

This may have struck a chord with someone in the production company.  They might have thought it sounded like a pretty good idea.  Something brand new!

All sorts of ideas started being thrown around in a lively brainstorming session in a local pub near their TV studio.  Ironically, as regards potato peeling, this pub is fittingly named the King Edward and known for being a very down to earth grassroots kind of boozer.

There was a heated debate over what amounts of skill there were in using a potato peeler.   Some participants compared it to being like using a short snooker cue.  After all, everything was in the elbow and wrist action.  There is a lot more inclusivity in potato peeling these days though.  Left-handed and ambidextrous spud peelers are now far more widespread.

It is believed these left-handed peelers originated in a former Soviet factory.  A place known for making bad mistakes, but always having a knack of getting away with it.  They once manufactured sunglasses you couldn’t see through, only to win a contract supplying Soviet blind citizens.  It sounds like something similar happened with left-handed people being able to use their potato peelers, after this factory got their lathe settings mixed up again.

Now the question is, how do you put together a programme about potato peeling?  Producers state this show is not aimed at couch potatoes.  It could lead to lots of twists and turns.  Though critics say it is scraping the barrel, the only turns they can see happening are funny ones.

At least there seems to be a lot more scope with a programme about peeling potatoes than making one about ironing.  It wouldn’t be long before this one folded.

Rovers Season Ticket Timeshare

Posted by Roving Mick on September 1, 2023

Blackburn Rovers’ marketing team are considering all sorts of novel ideas to help boost season ticket sales.  One of these is to bring out a new kind of way of watching the blue and whites.  It would be based on fans buying a timeshare season ticket.

This would entail supporters joining an exclusive seat buying club at Ewood Park, starting at one game a season, for years to come.  This seat could then be passed on to the subscriber’s children, future descendants or friends, for time immemorial.  After a one-off payment of an undisclosed amount, an annual maintenance charge would be levied before each season to help look after the holder’s seat.

Just think, you could pick a home match at a certain time of the year and know you have a guaranteed seat – for the rest of your life – and even longer!  You could also be awarded a bonus match by upgrading your membership (for an additional fee).

Rovers intend to recruit staff with experience of timeshare marketing, preferably having worked in places like Spain, Portugal or the Canary Islands, where this practice has been established for many years.  Sales personnel, known as Waggo-Waggo Men, would be sent out around the local area with raffle tickets and invitations to lively presentations, featuring beer and wine tasting events, held in Blues Bar at Ewood Park.  Their presence should be noticed when you hear their shout of:  ‘You’ve won! You’ve won! You’ve won!’

Over in India, Venky’s probably see Rovers as their own dodgy timeshare.  There are similarities to what may have befallen gullible Brits on the Spanish Costas.  They were taken in by snake oil salesmen, paying what they thought was a decent price at the time.  Then they have had to pour endless maintenance fees down a bottomless pit for years to come.  But like most timeshare victims, they are loath to admit they were taken in and want to get rid of their investment without losing face.  But they can’t even give it away now and will never get their money back.

At least this seat buying club claims it is prepared to give Rovers fans the benefit of the doubt, should they have a change of heart after purchasing a timeshare season ticket.  If you want to chat about it, call in at any time in either their office in Pune, or their other in the Cayman Islands.

Blackburn Posty Beer Garden

Posted by Roving Mick on August 1, 2023

And it came to pass that Blackburn’s Wetherspoon’s pub, The Postal Order, has opened up a brand new beer garden.

This facility is next to the pub across from where Dandy Walk meets Darwen Street.  It is situated on consecrated land, owned by the Church of England through Blackburn Cathedral.  So not only real ale but spirits are also likely to be in good measure.

For many years people have said what they were missing at the Posty was a proper beer garden.  Those existing tables and seats in front of this pub just don’t really give you a sort of ambience and relaxation in a similar way to what a beer garden can provide.  In fact sitting on these front seats can often lead to racing pulses, watching police cars, ambulances and taxis speeding down Darwen Street.

This would have been just what the doctor ordered when lockdown started coming to an end a couple of years ago.  Blackburn’s drinkers could have enjoyed a pint sitting outside then, rather than having to do without during this terrible time when the Posty wasn’t able to allow punters inside.

But better late than never and there is a now a brand new facility where you can have a sit down and be entertained by an angelic sound of bells ringing and chiming, also a heavenly kind of karaoke, with people singing to the accompaniment of an organ every Sunday.

Strangely enough, this new beer garden site may be quite near if not actually on part of the site of where Blackburn’s old County pub used to be situated.  This was a Lion house, if my fading memory serves me right.  It only ever received one visit from me during my teenage salad days.  Unlike the early Christians, I was drunk but never stoned.  In 1979 the County’s walls went the same way as those of Jericho.

When the County went from dust to dust, it was a different story across Dandy Walk.  Our Postal Order was still serving its purpose from where this pub’s name originated.  After many years as Blackburn’s main post office, it didn’t become a Wetherspoon’s hostelry until 1996.

Now we have a situation where these two buildings, Blackburn Cathedral and the Postal Order, have two different objectives.  One wishes to look after your virtues, the other your vices.  With a brand new beer garden, hopefully this marriage between the Cathedral and Posty will be one made in heaven.  Definitely a case of love thy neighbour.

Blackburn Pride 2023

Posted by Roving Mick on July 1, 2023

Blackburn Pride 2023 was bigger and better this time than when it made its debut last year.

Our town centre streets were awash with all the colours of the rainbow as this year’s Pride procession made its way from its starting point on Cathedral Square.

Councillor Jim Shorrock, Chair of Blackburn Pride Committee, looked a bit worried before this event was due to start.  His main concern was how the weather would fair.  It did feel like rain was in the air, but Jim had no need to worry.  It didn’t rain on his parade.

Due to possible inclement weather, Jim had also worried about this affecting the festival’s attendance.  Once again, he didn’t have to worry.  Last year’s turnout exceeded expectations, this year’s event was even larger.

My buddies were joined having their breakfast in the Postal Order.  We left earlier than on a usual Saturday to get a seat outside the Drummer’s Arms, where they opened earlier than usual at 11.00am.  This was a good vantage point to not only watch the Pride procession, but to also listen to music from a temporary stage erected nearby.

On Monday dinnertime I went for a pint in the Rock Box and there was the man himself, a relieved Councillor Jim, having a brew.  As expected, he was very pleased with how everything went with Saturday’s festival.  When asked what the most challenging aspect was of organising it, Jim replied pulling in advertising and sponsorship to pay for this year’s Pride.  But after two successful events, sponsors and advertisers were now approaching the Pride Committee about next year’s festival.

What was quite amusing was seeing some of the frozen faces and frowns from people who obviously didn’t approve or agree with what this festival was all about.  But that was lost on the vast majority of people who turned up that day.  Their numbers were made up of LGBTQ and straight people, of all ages including elderly and children.

Their main talking point though was how noticeable Blackburn with Darwen’s new Mayor was by his absence.  Some unfairly called him a bigot.  Others said he’d lost his bottle after seeing the abuse last year’s first citizen, Solly Khonat, received when he opened Blackburn’s inaugural Pride.  But most people who attended this year’s event didn’t give a damn where the Mayor was, or even whether our borough really needs one.  They said Blackburn needs it’s Pride more than it needs a Mayor.

Flying Another Flag in Cyprus Is All Greek To Me

Posted by Roving Mick on June 1, 2023

While enjoying a recent holiday in Cyprus, one thing which seems to still be around is the sight of the flag of Greece fluttering on buildings here and there.

This lovely island has been divided since 1974 into two separate entities.  Two thirds of this island, mainly in its south, comprises of the Republic of Cyprus, an EU member, populated by Greek Cypriots.  Whereas the northern third of this island is made up of the Turkish Republic of Northern Cyprus (TRNC).  A territory populated by Turkish Cypriots, but not recognised as a sovereign country anywhere, except by Turkey itself.

As we approach 50 years since Cyprus was partitioned, attitudes amongst some people on both sides seem as entrenched now as they were when Turkey invaded in 1974.  One of the main factors behind this division was many members of the Greek Cypriot population wanting union with Greece.  This situation was unacceptable to its Turkish Cypriot diaspora.  They wanted Partition rather than being part of Greece and it looks like they got what they wanted – but at a price!

That price is almost total isolation from the rest of the world, apart from Turkey.  All exports and imports to TRNC have to go through their Turkish benefactor across the Mediterranean Sea.  Calling Turkey a benefactor, apart from saving Turkish Cypriots from being massacred, is starting to wear a bit thin now as we approach 50 years since their armed intervention.

Flag flying Greek Cypriots also seem to be missing a trick here.  Turkey has encouraged mainland settlers to cross the Med to help boost TRNC’s population to try and outnumber their southern neighbours.  But this may be starting to backfire.  Turkish Cypriots tend to be secular and hold liberal views.  Whereas many of these settlers are farmers who tend to hold right-wing points of view, along with embracing a traditional religious way of life.

This may lead to a situation where Turkish Cypriots see themselves as having more in common with their southern rather than northern neighbours.  Many Cypriots lived together in peace and harmony across the island up to 1974.  There are still some places where it happens to this day.  Pyla is an example of this.  Situated inside the United Nations buffer zone separating both Cypriot territories and near Britain’s Sovereign Base Area of Dhekelia (my birthplace), Pyla has had a long tradition of cross community friendship and co-operation between its mixed Greek and Turkish Cypriot population.  It also hosts a campus of the University of Central Lancashire.

Pyla shows there is still hope for unity amongst both sets of Cypriots.  So Greek Cypriots continuing to wave the flag of a foreign country, which has no interest in them, doesn’t seem a very appropriate or helpful way of bringing these two communities together.  It’s a bit like Austrians waving the German flag.  This was done in their recent past, creating much regret.  Sadly, Germany’s most well-known leader was an Austrian.

Rovers Digging For Victory

Posted by Roving Mick on May 1, 2023

Following the recent supermarket vegetable shortage, Blackburn Rovers’ footballers could be given a chance of learning a new career for when their playing days come to an end.

This idea is said to originate from the club’s head office in India.  Here Venky’s have a vested interest in vegetables, especially in regard to accompanying their chicken meals.  Their plan is to turn parts of Brockhall training site into a nursery garden, to be used as a horticultural teaching facility.  It would be known as ‘Rooting For The Rovers’.

But to some cynical Rovers fans, Venky’s have already lost the plot.  They may be hedging their bets with another attempt by them to try to sell off part of the training ground land.  This was after a previous attempt to sell off part of Brockhall’s training facility which failed.

This latest scheme includes not only allowing footballers to learn all about gardening and horticulture, it would also encourage local residents to get involved in gardening projects too.  Perhaps if a strong interest in allotments and growing fruit and vegetables could be encouraged, then maybe local residents wouldn’t be as opposed to land at Brockhall being sold off.

Though it must be debatable whether our club owners would receive a similar kind of financial reward for this land being turned into allotments, compared to the kind of returns house building would yield, it sounds like chicken feed.  The plot thickens.

Brian Clough famously said:  ‘We had a good team on paper.  Unfortunately the game was played on grass’.  Footballers are known for having an affinity to the land environment because of this.  After all, they make their living running about on a patch of grass kicking around a bag of wind.  So when their playing days come to an end, what more fitting place could they find to work than outside on a windy green field?

There was one example were the boot was on the other foot though.  One of the most famous Rovers fans ever to have lived, acclaimed author, Alfred Wainwright, said his favourite patch of grass that he had ever walked upon was the centre circle of Ewood Park.

So what kind of fruit and vegetables would Rovers players like to grow, cabbages or turnips?  It sounds like a lot of thought is going into this project and at this stage of the game, nobody is spilling the beans.

Blackburn River Tunnel Hazards

Posted by Roving Mick on April 1, 2023

Blackburn’s River Blakewater through the town centre became a magnet for illegal kayakers some years ago.

Many of these kayakers would try their luck following the course of Blackburn’s river as it flowed underneath our town centre.  This gave a new meaning to the term Whitewater kayaking.  It was more like Blakewater kayaking. 

To try and deter these kayakers, hundreds of gallons of seized beer was flushed down drains and into the brook.  This beer had been confiscated from some of the town’s shebeens.  These are illegal drinking clubs which are not licenced to sell alcohol products but do so anyway.  Licencing authorities are fighting an endless battle against these illegal drinking clubs.

It seems this beer was so badly made; it gave people rotgut and other ailments.  One man’s drink is another man’s poison, but in this case, it was every man’s and woman’s poison.  But for some reason this liquid was like nectar to midges which lived in the river tunnel.  For our local council it killed two birds with one stone.  Not only did it dispose of this illegal booze, it also created an explosion in the number of midges breeding in this tunnel.   It was enough to put off illegal kayakers from using this water course for their highly dangerous and unlawful sporting activities.

Unfortunately when you try to interfere with nature, not everything always goes to plan.  Due to this explosion in the midge population, it was decided a predator was needed to reduce their vast numbers.  This led to laboratory bats being introduced to feed on these tunnel midges.  Having bats in our River Blakewater tunnel also had by-products, such as their guano and a way of studying their radar.

One by-product which nobody wanted was what happened when these bats started feeding on the tunnel reared midges.  Their diet of rotgut beer affected the bats, causing them to mutate into aggressive blood sucking predators.  They started attacking kayakers passing through the tunnel, leaving grisly remains in the river.  Fortunately these didn’t last long in the water as mutant Piranha fish, also living in the river, disposed of any remains.

Due to well-known fears of this infamous fish, it wasn’t felt to be such a good idea informing the public a creature like this had somehow been introduced to the Blakewater.  It is thought Piranha fish were introduced to our town’s central river by accident.  Some tourists may have brought a few home, didn’t like them, so flushed them down their toilets.  A bit like what allegedly happened with alligators in New York City’s sewers.

Good news is kayakers seem to have been put off using Blackburn’s River Blakewater in pursuit of their sport.  A small matter of biting Midges, mutant Vampire Bats and Piranha Fish may have left them thinking they might end up the Suwannee without a paddle.

Blackburn Pubs DNA Boost

Posted by Roving Mick on March 1, 2023

Blackburn’s town centre pubs could be given a boost as one of a number of chosen places to receive a licence to collect DNA.

This followed success of the town’s Covid 19 vaccination programme, which was put down to Blackburn’s above average footfall in its town centre.  Now it is hoped to capitalise on this success by taking things a step further and collecting DNA for scientific study.

Blackburn people are no strangers to giving their data for analysis.  Rovers fans, along with home supporters, gave voluntary saliva swab samples some years ago when they were playing a match down at Chelsea.  Sample results indicated Chelsea fans were mainly descended from Normans while most Rovers fans who participated were descended from Vikings.

There was also the infamous June Anne Devaney murder case in Queens Park Hospital grounds, where the perpetrator was caught by mass fingerprinting many of Blackburn’s adult male population.  It was the first time this kind of exercise had been used to solve a murder in Great Britain.

Certain pubs in Blackburn town centre will roll out state of the art smart glass washers.  These have a dual action process of first collecting DNA from recently used glasses, then washing them in the usual way.  By the time these glass washer’s contents become clean and sparkling, their accumulated DNA fingerprints will have been biometrically recorded and sent off to their online databank through cyberspace for processing.

There have been questions raised about this form of personal information collection and its legal implications.  But it seems to have been going on for years.  We all leave traces of DNA  wherever we go and this is known as ‘Shed’ DNA.  It doesn’t come from a shed but is one of the most used terms for abandoned DNA.  Police and forensic teams collect it at crime scenes and elsewhere from discarded cigarette buts, plastic cups, cans, chocolate and sweet wrappers, the list goes on.

Therefore, it stands to reason when you go in a pub for a pint, you do so voluntarily.  You are then served a drink in a polygenic pint glass belonging to the hostelry you are in.  When you sup up, you discard your glass for collection and washing and you can’t help but leave your DNA all over the place.  This same rule can apply to near enough everywhere you go, including where you live.

There is expected to be an enormous demand for this kind of data.  Not only will law enforcement authorities be interested, but so will medical, insurance, dating and family ancestry organisations.  Mining this kind of data from public houses could be seen as appropriate due to quite a lot of the latter often being an end product of what is sold in a pub.  So it seems quite fitting for  this information to be gleaned from one of its primary sources.