Category: Lockdown

Blackburn Homeless Pods Canal Mooring Option

Posted by Roving Mick on August 1, 2021

Following last winter’s successful use of homeless pods based at Shadsworth in Blackburn, suggestions have been put forward to store future similar accommodation at the town’s Nova Scotia Wharf.

In Blackburn with Darwen, our local authority has always provided accommodation to rough sleepers throughout the months of November to March.  This has been in place whether or not the Government’s Severe Weather Emergency Protocol (SWEP), where sub-zero degrees temperatures are forecast for consecutive nights, has been put into operation.

Things were complicated last winter due to Corona Virus.  Rough sleepers in previous years had been housed in communal accommodation.  But the pandemic brought a need for isolation of rough sleepers, due to a risk of further infection spreading in a place with one of Britain’s highest rates of Covid-19.

Homeless pods have been used as a way of providing shelter to our borough’s most chaotic rough sleepers who had been excluded from existing accommodation in Blackburn.  Funding for sleeping pods was provided through the Ministry of Housing, Communities and Local Government (MHCLG).

These homeless pods can be utilised not only for possible emergency accommodation, but for many other uses too.  These could include sporting events taking place in Blackburn, along with potential future pop and rock music festivals.  The pods themselves are almost like a version of shipping containers.  They can be brought in for many uses and are very easy to store.  Due to their compact size, they can be transported all over the country.  This is usually done on trailers pulled by lorries, but they can also be adapted for trains and even floated on water.

This latter form of conveyance has been closely studied due to its favourable environmental impact.  It seems if you tilt these pods sideways, their dimensions mean they are capable of being transported along parts of Britain’s canal network.  This would include our very own Leeds Liverpool canal running through Blackburn.  There is also an ideal storage place for these pods at Nova Scotia Wharf in the town.

Storing these pods at this location, would also mean mass transport able to take place to sites along the canal where accommodation may be needed urgently.  Blackburn is the largest intermediate town on the Leeds Liverpool canal.  But this waterway also flows through large towns like Wigan and Burnley, whilst terminating at the very large cities of Leeds and Liverpool.  This canal also has a branch which connects it to the canal network in Manchester.  So Blackburn could become an ideal staging post to help homeless people right across the north of England.

Blackburn’s Sun Shines And Rock Box Rocks The End Of Lockdown

Posted by Roving Mick on May 1, 2021

It had been a long time coming, but Monday, April 12th 2021 was this big day we’d all been waiting for.  It was when lockdown was partially lifted and you could get a pint from a pub, albeit outside in a beer garden or a tent.

After a brisk walk down town, passing a quiet Napier, had me thinking I’d certainly be going for a pint there this week.  Dylan was setting tables outside the Rock Box, preparing for a hectic day.  After yapping briefly with him and telling him I’d be back at opening time, it was off to the Sun to try my luck.  Andy from the Rock Box was passed on my way to the Sun and was wished all the best for today.  It was dry and sunny, a bit cold, but Andy won’t have minded one bit.  He was just glad to open up his pub again.

My arrival at the Sun was at half past eleven, with me finding it to be very busy already.  It had been open since ten.  My arrival an hour and a half later led to me being turned away at first.  So its landlord was bade farewell and told my luck would be tried again later this week.  I wished him well and said it was good to have him back.  Then came a shout for me to come back as a seat had become available and it meant me being able to buy my first cask pint of real ale for this year, at last!

It took around ten mins before receiving my pint of Gold.  But at £2.50, it didn’t bother me at all.  It was enjoyable too.  What I didn’t enjoy was how cold it started to feel outside the Sun.  So one pint was enough outside here and my way was made away, after thanking the Sun’s landlord and Vicky its busy waitress, for their hospitality.

Next stop was a now open Rock Box.  As forecast earlier, it was busy.  Dylan put me on a table with a friendly couple I’d met in a few pubs before.  All the rest of its punters were people I’d also met before at some time in here and elsewhere.  It was good to come across familiar faces, some of whom hadn’t been seen since last year.  But what made it all feel like lockdown really was coming to an end was the arrival of those three old soaks – Brian, Bill and Dougie.  Normal service was almost resumed! It was nice to catch up with these three lads and everybody else.  By the time I left for my bus home, effects of being back drinking real ale again were starting to dim my already befuddled brain.  Most pubs probably won’t make a great deal of money until customers are back indoors next month.  But April’s outside unlocking certainly gave some of us a taste of happy days being here again.

Bogus Winos Infiltrate Blackburn Town Centre

Posted by Roving Mick on April 1, 2021

For many years people used to associate public conveniences as meeting places for celebrities.  This follows high profile cases of famous people such as Knight of the Realm, Sir John Gielgud, Steptoe and Son actor, Wilfred Brambell and singer George Michael, all falling foul of something which sounded like ‘Cottage Gin’.

Due to rapid growth and development of widespread internet usage, this use of public conveniences for people meeting each other has declined.  But when one community moves out of one area, another always comes along to replace it.  In the case of public conveniences, a new community has come along to meet with each other.  In Blackburn they are its town centre winos.

With lockdown coming to an end in Blackburn, a bit of assistance may be required to encourage a return to town centre socialising and boost our battered hospitality sector.  One suggestion has been made to allow winos to return to the town centre.  Perhaps this will give authenticity and bring back memories for some people of those good old days of how our town centre used to be.  It might also encourage a few punters to come out for a pint or two in our town centre’s newly opened pubs.

What people don’t realise is winos in Blackburn never actually went away from our town centre in the first place.  For them, internet access was never an option, especially with the shakes.  Bottle signs may have appeared on our town centre’s boundary, saying street drinking was prohibited, but this was no deterrent to Blackburn’s brazen and resourceful wino community.  But a strange phenomenon has been happening since street drinking was banned in our town centre.

Blackburn’s real winos claim they are being forced from the town centre by bogus winos.  They claim these imposters are trying to ‘Gentrify’ Blackburn town centre.  Their tactics are to create high-rent property and close down pubs and clubs so they can be sold on as further high-rent real estate.  These bogus winos have also tried to invent scurrilous stories about real winos behaviour in public conveniences.  One of these is about them using these toilets for ‘Cottaging’.

One wino was asked if he was worried about being accused of gross indecency if arrested in a public toilet.  He said:  “Try drinking this stuff. It’s gross indecency in a bottle”.

Another wino explained:  “Take it from me, when you’ve just dropped three litres of Frosty Lightning, all you want is them bogs to serve the purpose they were built for”. Blackburn’s real winos say they will not be intimidated by imposters.  They claim to be one of this town’s oldest established communities and will help keep up any fight against gentrification of Blackburn town centre.  Besides, they are unlikely to be busted in these toilets as none of the supermarkets sell Cottage Gin anyway.

Blackburn’s Lockdown Run – Oh Mr Sandman!

Posted by Roving Mick on March 1, 2021

Imagine a dystopian world where Corona Virus had ravaged humanity.  Blackburn appeared to have depopulated greatly and old people were never seen in public.

World Government had a plan to control people by taking away their pleasure through banning alcohol and shutting down taverns.  This affected older people more than young ones.  And so they gradually disappeared from society.  Our world became one in which everybody had to stay at home.  People formed into little camps, where they were only able to be preached at by the converted and so society became stagnant.

It was decreed at age 30, citizens needed to be regenerated and this was dressed up as a time of much celebration and happiness.  Sadly, with Planet Earth forever in lockdown, social distancing was still being imposed.  This led to regeneration being carried out on redundant airport carousels.

But there were some younger people who did not agree with what their government was trying to do to them.  They heard tales of these taverns and having a drink together with friends.  Many decided they did not wish to be a part of this New World Order, dominated by  TV and social media.

Some of these dissidents decided they wanted to escape their current situation, to go to this mythical place called ‘Sanctuary’.  A place people of all ages, classes and colours, could sit around together, or stand at a bar, drink beer and engage like adults with people who held similar or different views and opinions to their own.  A plan was hatched by some of these dissidents to make their escape and they became known as ‘Runners’.

Unfortunately, Runners were never seen again once they tried to escape from their imprisonment.  This was down to them being pursued by law enforcement officers known as ‘Sandmen’.  These security operatives had a fearsome reputation.  Their mandate was to take no prisoners.  They said they were always ready to do a runner.  Once runners were caught, they faced bans by these pursuing Sandmen.  After going through on the spot trials, runners were then deleted.

But some runners did make their escape.  Two of them followed an underground trail, a labyrinth of interconnected sewers linked to Blackburn’s River Blakewater.  Their special smartwatches had flashing crystals which turned green as they approached their destination.  This was like a breathalyser of fresh air.

Little did they know a lone Sandman had been on their trail.  But it was his first mission and he wanted to make it his last.  He carefully trailed them along their escape route and followed them into their sanctuary.  This Sandman came bursting through the tavern door, causing near panic to everyone inside.  But he quickly re-assured them he came in peace and wanted to seek sanctuary too.

He shouted:  “I’ve not come to delete you.  I’ve come to join you – for a pint.  At last, I’ve finally found my own sanctuary!”  He was welcomed into this wondrous place and everyone lived happily ever after.  They had found their promised land.

Blackburn’s Original Lockdown Man

Posted by Roving Mick on February 1, 2021

Many years ago, Blackburn was known for body snatching.  This was down to research into Anatomy, which flourished during the 19th century, using dissection of human bodies.  Due to scientific breakthroughs, there was a growing demand for further experiments being carried out on human corpses.

Most of these cadavers were made up of dead bodies of people who were found in Blackburn.  They were usually unidentified itinerants passing through and nobody knew, or cared, who they were.  But this did not satisfy anywhere near enough demand for corpses.  And so we had a situation were poor people, whose life was worthless, soon found death had its price.  And so along came the body snatchers.

Vast amounts of money could be made from illegal practices.  It usually entailed gangs hiding in cemeteries and pouncing once a burial had taken place.  Some pauper’s body would then be at the mercy of these despicable tomb raiders.  Not only did body snatchers carry out illegal activity, but their trade was fed by people prepared to pay a large bounty for unfortunate victims.  Some of whom may have died in mysterious circumstances!

Rumours started to circulate about graves being disturbed in Blackburn.  This made local police keep their eyes on events during and after burials.  This really was the ‘Graveyard Shift’.  It also made body snatchers more wary of their activities at night.  On at least one occasion they were nearly rumbled.  This led to a few cases were body snatchers, whilst making their escape from police, ended up losing some of their booty.

Decoys were made by one notorious gang of raiders.  They were a collection of human bones put together as complete skeletons.  One served its purpose for them on a particular occasion when they were nearly caught red-handed.  But unfortunately for the authorities, this assemblage of human bones became a bigger distraction than anybody could ever have dared forecast.

When their decoy was found, there just happened to be a doctor accompanying police who took an interest in Anthropology.  His interest was taken by this human skeleton they discovered.  It had a bone structure he had never encountered before.  As a great admirer of Charles Darwin’s works and like many of the great man’s disciples, he was searching for his famous missing link.  This was around the time Neanderthal Man was discovered in Prussia, so excitement was in the air.  Could we have our own Neanderthal Man in Blackburn?

At the time of the body’s discovery, one particular cemetery had been put in a state of lockdown to thwart grave robbers.  So ‘Lockdown Man’ was what our mystery body became known as.  It caused a sensation. Sadly, Blackburn’s famous Lockdown Man was eclipsed by another even more notorious so-called missing link.

In 1912 ‘Piltdown Man’  was announced to the world.  Forty years later, this find proved to be an elaborate hoax.  A combination of a human being and Orangutan consigned this forgery to history’s wastepaper basket.  Unfortunately, they then had a bone to pick with our version too.  Its discoverer was deemed to have lost the plot, meaning Blackburn’s Lockdown Man was soon dead and buried – once again!

Vaccine Pub Could Be Shot In Arm For Blackburn

Posted by Roving Mick on January 1, 2021

COVID-19 vaccine take–up in Blackburn is expected to be well below the national average.  This has prompted an outrageous suggestion which may well be able to entice some of its citizens into becoming willing recipients. 

An out of the ordinary inducement has been put forward to open up a pub where only vaccine recipients will be allowed inside this hostelry and only vaccinated staff will be able to work behind its bar.  This means wearing masks and social distancing rules will not be necessary anymore. 

Similar proposals have been suggested about setting up smoker’s pubs.  Here staff sign a pledge to say they smoke and only punters who do the same are allowed in the premises.  This idea is still up in the air, but with all the euphoria surrounding these new vaccines and an end to COVID-19, anything is possible. 

Those who are scared of needles may have their own point of view.  But to some people though, this vaccine is just a shot in the dark. They are worried about it being used as a way of carrying out extra surveillance of ordinary citizens.  There seems to be paranoia about DNA being taken and tracker chips being injected into recipients.  We are being reassured that if this pub does open, management promise the only kind of chips allowed on their menu will be potato ones. 

Corona Virus vaccines themselves have not been without their own controversies.  Rather than working together with the goal of one universal remedy being available for everybody, different countries and pharmaceutical companies have struck out for their own COVID-19 cures.  No doubt stopping the Corona Virus from killing would lead to making a killing of a financial kind to whoever cornered the worldwide vaccine market. 

Along with Britain’s Oxford vaccine, there are two others from America, although one of these is part German.  Along with a Chinese version, we also have Russia’s Sputnik jab.  There is ambiguity here over whether it has been properly tested.  Western scientists believe it is only effective when injected with an umbrella.  So it could be a very long shot. 

News about opening a vaccine recipient’s pub could go viral.  It might lead to a rich vein of income for our local pub scene; the kind of cash injection Blackburn town centre really needs following this hated lockdown.  All we need to do now is come up with a name for the place. 

Suggestions have included:  Royal Toke, Michael Cocaine, Camel and Needle, Fix and Grapes.  And appropriately for Blackburn –  Stepmother’s Jag.

Blackburn Travel Agent Offering Trips To Chernobyl

Posted by Roving Mick on November 1, 2020

Chernobyl Dropov

Sick of stopping in during the Lockdown?  Fancy visiting a place which used to attract interest from all over the world?  One of Blackburn’s travel agents could have just the kind of trip you really need to give you a glow and radiate happiness.

At first I thought it was a joke when I looked in their window and saw an advert for four days in Chernobyl next August.  Some of us of a certain age remember the name of this place with horror.  It made Fukushima look like a drop in the ocean.  The Americans we’re lucky to get away with their own near miss at Three Mile Island.  But there was no escape for the Soviets when Reactor 4 overheated at Chernobyl.

Since that year of 1986, those Cold War days have been and gone.  The hatchet has been buried and new intercontinental destinations for tourism are always being explored.  Many people from those days will still have trepidations about going to this place.  No doubt travel agents will say people shouldn’t overreact.  Unfortunately this kind of description will probably still bring tinges of horror to many of us who remember it happening.

If you decide to go to Chernobyl, in present day Ukraine, there may be a few surprises in store for you.  Sunglasses used to be in great demand over there for many years and those on sale have extra thick lenses.  You may also hear the clicking of Geiger counters everywhere.  There is even talk of a Disneyland being built there.  Unfortunately their six foot Mouse is a real one.  They also have a duck.  It’s nowhere to be seen but signs in Ukrainian say Duck and Cover.

Chernobyl’s residents are known for their friendliness.  But western tourists are warned not to say certain things otherwise there may be a fallout.  This latter word must never be used.  Also when paying compliments to people, never mention their radiant smiles, otherwise they may have a meltdown.

With lockdown restrictions including certain travel abroad, perhaps we could see holidays of a similar nature in Britain.  After all, we have plenty of nuclear installations in this country.  Punk Rock fans could have weekenders at Sellafield.  There could even be a bit of Heavy Metal thrown in too.

Perhaps holidays in Chernobyl are becoming a new trend – known as Dark Tourism.  After all, there seems to be a fascination with the Titanic.  Hiroshima receives two million visitors a year and a similar number visit Auschwitz.   Maybe we could find something in Blackburn from our dark past to bring in the punters.

Blackburn’s New Penny Farthing Village

Posted by Roving Mick on September 1, 2020

Plans are being considered over land adjacent to Blackburn Bus Station for building mixed-use housing.

This development’s name comes from its proximity to the much sought-after Penny Street which owes its own name to the price of property rental on this street back in 19th century Blackburn.

Along with rented accommodation, affordable 25% shared ownership property could be available to buy.  There is also an exciting option of hostel dwellings being included in the mix.  This could help satisfy our town’s growing demand for homeless accommodation and ease pressure on finding units for housing remand clients, currently on bail.

A novel approach is to be put in place where all residents who move into these dwellings agree to have a small tracking chip injected into their shoulder.  This would be painless and would biodegrade into their body after two years, before following nature’s process of removal.  There would be no need for tag wearers to feel embarrassed anymore when somebody asking them the time wants to know why they wear their watch on their leg.

Some wags though have likened the name Penny Farthing Village to Portmeirion in Wales, home of 1960’s TV series: ‘The Prisoner’.  They say most of its residents will probably be living there at Her Majesty’s pleasure anyway.  But people behind these proposals say whoever made these kinds of comments needs locking up.  They are proud to announce their intention to take residents under their wing.

Diversity is the key to Penny Farthing Village.  Entry to each dwelling will be by use of retinal scanning.  It was thought a similar method using fingerprints may put off some potential residents, reminding them of the process they went through to give them board and lodging in their previous accommodation.

But in a similar vein for people with experience of identifying by numbers, properties on this development will follow the same model as Blackburn’s innovative Romney Walk experiment.  This is where every house and flat has its own individual number and these follow each other in sequence around the estate, despite the road names changing.  They may have been named after the Cinque Ports, but nobody has ever been left out of sync finding their bearings around Romney Walk.

Proposals for Penny Farthing Village are expected to be submitted at the council’s next housing committee cycle.  If the committee doesn’t back-pedal with these plans, a chain of events could soon be put in place to set the wheels in motion.

Old Danny’s Snake Oil Coming To Blackburn

Posted by Roving Mick on June 1, 2020

During a time of hibernation, dreams sometimes had their price.  And so came the Snake Oil Salesman.

When the lockdown finally ends, many pubs could have gone bust.  But one of the breweries may have its own answer.

Once upon a time in the north-west there came a traveller from even further northwest. He arrived in Blackburn by Shire horse and cart. He had a top hat on his head, a twinkle in his eye and he was a man with a plan.  His name was Old Snake Oil Danny. 

Old Danny looked at Blackburn and thought:  ‘This is my kind of town’.  Its populace gathered round his cart and he gave them his sales pitch.  He said he patented a remarkable cure for every human ailment known to science.  This was down to venom extracted from snakes living on a farm in Ireland.  Now the people of Blackburn could reap these benefits of this wonder tonic.  Maybe they could be cured of consumption, colic, common colds and Corona Virus.

This is what Danny was trying to do.  He span them yarns of how his snake oil tonic could make men feel strong and tough and look more attractive to women.  He told the girls his tonic would keep them slim and help them become a hit on the dance floor.  It sounded too good to be true, but those good people of Blackburn swallowed it all and Danny became a rich man.

He had wealth, power and property.  Even having such influence behind him where he could dictate to his customers what to do with property they bought from him.  No doubt in another era he would have been able to claim a bride’s first night of wedlock, but there was no money there and Danny was too old anyway.

Eventually Old Danny tired of Blackburn, deciding he hated the place and was a country boy at heart.  By now its townsfolk realised Danny was a charlatan and his snake oil was just quack medicine after all.  Once he’d made his money, he realised he’d overstayed his welcome and it was time to get out of town.  Soon Danny was gone.  Blackburn didn’t matter to him anymore.

But like his grandfather clock pendulum, things were starting to swing and Old Danny was frightened he would swing with them.  Moving to the countryside became one big self-isolation.  He was less welcome there than he was in town.  Things were compounded by Covid-19 arriving and everywhere going into lockdown.  With pubs being shut until further notice, breweries were looking at other methods of shifting their produce.  History could be repeating itself and Old Danny might have to dig out his horse and cart once again.

Blackburn Lockdown Takeaway Misery

Posted by Roving Mick on May 1, 2020

Since the Corona Virus lockdown we have seen examples of nature reclaiming our environment.

Numerous animal species have been moving into locked-down areas.  These have included sheep and goats wandering into British town centres and sharks basking in harbours around the world.

We are also seeing something similar in Blackburn town centre.  But it’s not just four-legged creatures moving into our town centre, two-legged ones have also been observed.

Young people, who depend on other humans for food, appear to be losing weight due to fast food outlets being closed down.  This has led to them encroaching into the town centre by themselves or in groups of their peers.  They appear to be suffering from hunger and clearly missing companionship of other human beings.

Across the country there have been reports of young people scavenging in bins and fights breaking out amongst them.  This has been blamed on the lockdown.  It has also been held responsible for stopping benefactors from giving young people sustenance in their favourite feeding grounds.

Every cloud has a silver lining. One of these has been the amount of recipes we have been bombarded with on social media. With the lack of takeaways being available, this has made people realise if they want to survive, they must try cooking their own meals.

It has been a gradual process, brought about by this return to nature.  Following initial horror stories of people eating Marmite peanut butter soldiers and burnt sausages, things have started to improve.  By trial-and-error, many people are learning how to cook proper meals. After all, necessity is the mother of invention.

Now we may have a situation where Blackburn town centre fast-food outlets could see a sharp decline in their footfall and sales. Social distancing will be a factor in who can eat in their premises.  Even more worrying for them is a possibility of having to provide cutlery with their meals. 

But the biggest issue to affect some fast-food outlets will be their requirement to provide disinfectant filled finger bowls on dining tables and only allowing customers to eat certain meals with knives, forks and spoons.  Antiseptic coated latex gloves may be allowed for eating some meals, but the use of hand sanitising vinegar may inhibit the taste of fried chicken and beef burgers.

We are now starting to see glimmers of hope that a Covid-19 vaccine may be in sight.  This will eventually lead to the lockdown being lifted.  Hopefully scientists can then produce a vaccine to combat the consumption of fast-food products.