Blackburn’s River Blakewater through the town centre became a magnet for illegal kayakers some years ago.
Many of these kayakers would try their luck following the course of Blackburn’s river as it flowed underneath our town centre. This gave a new meaning to the term Whitewater kayaking. It was more like Blakewater kayaking.
To try and deter these kayakers, hundreds of gallons of seized beer was flushed down drains and into the brook. This beer had been confiscated from some of the town’s shebeens. These are illegal drinking clubs which are not licenced to sell alcohol products but do so anyway. Licencing authorities are fighting an endless battle against these illegal drinking clubs.
It seems this beer was so badly made; it gave people rotgut and other ailments. One man’s drink is another man’s poison, but in this case, it was every man’s and woman’s poison. But for some reason this liquid was like nectar to midges which lived in the river tunnel. For our local council it killed two birds with one stone. Not only did it dispose of this illegal booze, it also created an explosion in the number of midges breeding in this tunnel. It was enough to put off illegal kayakers from using this water course for their highly dangerous and unlawful sporting activities.
Unfortunately when you try to interfere with nature, not everything always goes to plan. Due to this explosion in the midge population, it was decided a predator was needed to reduce their vast numbers. This led to laboratory bats being introduced to feed on these tunnel midges. Having bats in our River Blakewater tunnel also had by-products, such as their guano and a way of studying their radar.
One by-product which nobody wanted was what happened when these bats started feeding on the tunnel reared midges. Their diet of rotgut beer affected the bats, causing them to mutate into aggressive blood sucking predators. They started attacking kayakers passing through the tunnel, leaving grisly remains in the river. Fortunately these didn’t last long in the water as mutant Piranha fish, also living in the river, disposed of any remains.
Due to well-known fears of this infamous fish, it wasn’t felt to be such a good idea informing the public a creature like this had somehow been introduced to the Blakewater. It is thought Piranha fish were introduced to our town’s central river by accident. Some tourists may have brought a few home, didn’t like them, so flushed them down their toilets. A bit like what allegedly happened with alligators in New York City’s sewers.
Good news is kayakers seem to have been put off using Blackburn’s River Blakewater in pursuit of their sport. A small matter of biting Midges, mutant Vampire Bats and Piranha Fish may have left them thinking they might end up the Suwannee without a paddle.
