Category: Blackburn

Following Barbara Castle’s bronze statue recently being erected in Blackburn town centre, speculation has been rife over whether something similar may be put up in memory of her successor.

Barbara Castle served as Labour MP for Blackburn from 1945 until 1979.  During her high profile career as a minister, she was involved in various important campaigns.  These included the Equal Pay Act, bringing in the breathalyser, seatbelts in in all new cars and rejuvenating Britain’s canals through greater leisure usage.

Jack Straw actually served longer as Blackburn’s MP than Barbara Castle.  He also held higher ministerial office than his predecessor, having been both Home and Foreign Secretary under Tony Blair.  But in comparison to ‘Battling Barbara’, it is often remarked how Jack Straw left his role as Blackburn MP without the same amount of affection as his predecessor.

Barbara Castle’s statue seems to have gone down well with a lot of people in Blackburn.  Along with WH Hornby representing Conservatives in the town and WE Gladstone for the Liberals, it could be said all three major parties are now equally represented by statues.  No doubt other political figures also have their admirers who would like to see statues put up in their honour.  But so far there have been no calls for a statue to be erected in honour of Jack Straw.

One of the problems here may be difficulties trying to find anybody prepared to put their hand in their pocket to raise the cost of a statue to Jack Straw.  Many of his former constituents probably feel he was well paid and could easily afford to pay for a memorial from his own finances.

Fortunately, a local farmer believes he might just have an answer to this problem.  He claims to have produced a scarecrow, appropriately called the Man of Straw, which bears an uncanny resemblance to Blackburn’s former MP.  He is prepared to let it go on show in Blackburn town centre once the harvest season is over and it’s done its job, scaring greedy birds away.

A suggestion has been made over where to place this farmer’s Man of Straw scarecrow.  Its temporary home would be on Church Street, outside Blackburn Market’s revolving door.  Here, members of the public and shoppers can be shown how easy it is to gain access to our market, giving them the benefit of spending a bit of cash – no questions asked!

A positive move could be afoot in Blackburn which may bring down electricity costs.  This would entail natural energy being harvested from Electric Eels.  An establishment in Blackburn is being set aside for generating that most valuable resource of them all – electricity.

Electric eels are usually found in South America’s Amazon and Orinoco rivers.  They are not really eels, but belong to a genus called Knifefish, which are related to Catfish.  Other members of this species can also generate natural electricity, but not in such high voltage amounts attributed to Electric Eels.  This creature can generate a charge powerful enough to kill large creatures, including human beings.  In the wild, they have been known to generate up to 860 volts and they can illuminate 40 watt lightbulbs under lab conditions.

Experiments have been carried out on electric eels, with sensors being attached to them, enabling measurement of current created by their impulses.  Other means will be tried to collect electricity from these eels by using pods which save these short bursts of electricity to specially adapted conductors.  This will be done by enticing these predators to attack a receptor which is disguised as their enemy, the Piranha Fish.  It uses an electrical process based on a discharge method created by Dr Frankenstein to give life to one of his patients.

Plans for this eel farm are being kept secret for now.  It is quite ironic how an old factory known as the fuse used to be located somewhere in Blackburn, but its whereabouts are still classified.  There are also plans to build a pipeline to this eel farm from a nearby catering establishment.  This will mean pigswill from here will be able to be pumped into feeder tanks, supplying these captive eels with fresh food.  After all, if one of these creatures can take out an Amazon Capybara, then eating yesterday’s leftover bangers and mash should be quite a treat for them.

One of those annoying problems with keeping eels is them eventually wanting to go back to the Sargasso Sea to breed.  But the fact Electric Eels are not real eels, means we won’t be subject to a state of panic by sightings of eight foot fish clambering over our fields and through Blackburn’s streets in their efforts to jump in our Rivers Blakewater or Darwen, while trying to get back to the Sargasso Sea.  This is because Electric Eels are really Knifefish and a different species altogether.

There has been resistance to this project from environmental groups, including negative comments.  Some bright sparks say farming Electric Eels is a shockingly cruel idea and should be grounded.  But its manager insists he is a down to earth person and really positive about this project.  He says he has live contacts who see many environmental and business rewards being provided for Blackburn, all at the flick of a switch.

Last month was when we had a partial lifting of the lockdown and could drink outside a pub.  This time we could go back inside.

My girlfriend had booked this week off.  But her dress rehearsal for today’s grand opening lasted well into today’s early hours.  So she was left sloshed up in bed when I set off down town at ten o’clock.  This was good timing; rain had been falling since my rising five hours earlier.  Not that rain was going to deter my trip out today.  Getting wet last month didn’t stop me much then.

In Blackburn town centre there looked to be more people about.  My port of call was the Postal Order, quashing daft rumours of it closing down.  It was like time had stopped still in here and this lockdown never really happened.  Usual faces were behind the bar and its usual suspects were also in the pub.  My first pint in here was a Golden Hobgoblin.  Blackburn’s own Doff Cocker was my next one.

It was a nice feeling being sat at a table in the Posty.  Despite images of barcodes and technology on my table and all over the place, I still filled in one of their slips of paper.  This gave my details and was good enough.  On previous visits, last year, my mobile phone was my usual way of entry into this place, although it could be a long wait until my phone picked up Wetherspoon’s WiFi and I figured out how to use their app.  No doubt it would be put into use again on future visits, especially with my allocation of CAMRA tokens arriving with my new membership card.

During April’s outside pub re-opening, the Sun, Charles Napier and Rock Box received visits from me.  After today’s couple in the Posty, it was this latter pub which was visited by me next.  A nice blond pint of Optimum was my first pint back inside the Rock Box.  A really good darker bitter was downed later, called D-Day Dodger, from Wigan’s Martland Brewery.

It was great to be back drinking inside Blackburn’s pubs again.  Even more so during our current autumnal Spring.  This year’s has been like a spring of another kind, one which spews from the ground and is wet.  But like the season, perhaps being allowed back inside pubs again will make us feel this lockdown is finally coming to an end and give us back this sunshine most of us have been longing for.

Like most British towns and cities, Blackburn has a pigeon problem.  They foul buildings and monuments, along with unsuspecting members of the public.  This is even more difficult to put a stop to when these pests can just up and fly away.

After trying all sorts of ideas and failing with them all, a new approach was needed.  There was also a problem of people feeding pigeons and not wanting to see them shot or poisoned.  This has led to an increase in their population, resulting in even more destruction to buildings due to their fouling.

In Germany’s medieval town of Hamelin, there is a legend of this town being overrun by rats several centuries ago.  Its Burgomaster was approached by a mysterious stranger called the Pied Piper, who claimed he could rid this town of rats by playing a pipe and getting them to follow him to their deaths by drowning in a nearby river.  Its city fathers were sceptical, but agreed to pay the piper if he could rid Hamelin of its rat infestation.

The Pied Piper was true to his word.  Sadly, Hamelin’s city fathers were not true to theirs and refused to pay him his agreed fee.  So he played his pipe again.  This time children of the town followed in his wake, never to be seen again.  Therefore, if it can be done with rats and children – why not pigeons?

Feral pigeons, found in our towns and cities, are descended from the Wild Rock Dove, which still exists today and has a homing instinct.  Scientists believe pigeons use their sense of smell, Earth’s magnetic field and infrasound to navigate whilst in flight.  If a way can be found to disrupt a pigeon’s navigation system, we may be able to rid them from our town centre.

One suggestion is to ask Blackburn’s ice cream vans to converge on our town centre and all play their musical sounds simultaneously.  Tom Lehrer’s song ‘Poisoning Pigeons in the Park’ has been suggested.  When these terrified birds fly away, a robot version would be released to fly with them.  This avian decoy would get the real pigeons to follow it by releasing an odour which smells of pizza and kebabs, reminding them of where they like to roost.  Once away from their hometown, this robot pigeon would then become a modern version of the Pied Piper by emitting an infrasound which would disorientate these pigeons in flight.

At the other end of our county is located a men-only club which still doesn’t allow females of the human species.  But it takes a very keen interest in those of a pigeon variety.  Perhaps they can offer their hospitality to our town’s unwanted feathered friends.

Unreleased classified military documents could hold a key to one of Blackburn’s greatest unsolved mysteries.  But this may replace one legendary enigma with an even stranger tale from our past.

As World War II came to an end, German Prisoner of War – Otto Schwarzenbeck – was being transported by train through Blackburn, ironically our English equivalent of his surname.  As this train branched off down the old railway line at Cherry Tree, our German POW saw an opportunity and jumped from his train, landing in thick foliage beside the track.  His escape wasn’t noticed until this train stopped at Chorley.  By then he had rushed across nearby fields and headed for the hills.  In this case, those hills were Witton Park and Billinge Woods.

With World War II nearly over, this left a tricky problem for Britain’s War Office.  Only two prisoners of war, one from each of these global conflicts, had ever managed to escape from Britain and return home to Germany.  Having to admit another had also managed to escape during the latter conflict was not a high priority when there were soon to be victory celebrations.

So a Government ‘D’ Notice was put in place to cover up this incident.  Our POW would be quietly welcomed back into society when it was all over and the coast was clear.  He could then be repatriated to Germany and his escape would be airbrushed from official internment records.

Meanwhile Schwarzenbeck himself, a survival expert, was quite at home living in Blackburn’s woodlands; they reminded him of his beloved Black Forest retreat.  Unfortunately as a fugitive and with little knowledge of English, he didn’t realise World War II ended during his time in hiding, leaving both military and civilian authorities with a problem over how to catch Otto and persuade him to return home.

Their answer was to create a misinformation campaign against him, hoping he would leave under his own auspices.  They would publish false rumours of Otto being a crazed flasher thereby dissuading people from approaching him.  They even created outrageous rumours of alien abductions across the north side of Blackburn.  After all, he was an enemy alien.

It meant we had an opposite situation to what was going on across the pond in Roswell USA.  American authorities were blaming their alien problem on everything under the sun, apart from little green men, whereas the Brits were saying their escaped POW could well be a spaceman after all.

Their problem wouldn’t go away and bizarre rumours of strange extra-terrestrial incidents taking place gripped Blackburn’s population during post-war years.  Fortunately for everybody, relations between Britain and Germany became very cordial and reports of strange goings on in the woodlands of Blackburn eventually faded away

The remaining mystery is what really happened to Otto Schwarzenbeck?  Did he find his way back to Germany?  Or did the unthinkable happen and he was abducted by real aliens?  Perhaps our answer lies within those Ministry of Defence secret classified files.  We could be in for a long wait.

Blackburn town centre management have been inundated with complaints about rats being seen feeding on discarded takeaway food.

This is particularly the case around Darwen Street.  Having a high number of takeaways and the River Blakewater flowing through the thoroughfare doesn’t help matters.  This river, which gave Blackburn its name, has always been a haven for rats and they can often be seen scuttling around its banks.

One solution to this problem could be an introduction of stoats and weasels to the town centre.  Both are woodland creatures, but are also known to inhabit urban areas too, just like foxes and badgers.

Stoats are voracious killers and known to attack and kill rats.  They are curious animals and will investigate squeaking noises, especially if they sound like a rat or rabbit in distress.  It is supposed to be possible to attract them by standing still and sucking hard on the back of your hand.

Stoats are much bigger than weasels.  In fact a weasel can put its head through a wedding ring, whereas a stoat cannot.  Stoats also have a bushy black tip to their tail and in certain parts of the country, their fur turns white in winter, apart from this black bit at their tail end.  In this state, stoats are known as ermine.  So they are stoatally different and weaselly identified.

Unfortunately for stoats, this ermine fur is used by British and European royalty and aristocracy in their robes, so they are highly prized in the fur industry.  In Ireland they are protected.  Unsurprisingly, in Britain they are not.

Another predator which would make mincemeat of Blackburn’s rat population is the Eurasian Lynx.  There have been calls by the Lynx UK Trust for re-introducing this pointy-eared feline back to Britain.  They feed on rats and are also natural predators of deer, whose spiralling population through lack of predators, is starting to become a problem.  Lynx used to be native to Britain – like wolves and bears.  Sadly for the Lynx, the last one was hunted to extinction over a thousand years ago.  So we owe them one.

The old saying ‘One man’s loss is another man’s gain’, could apply to Blackburn and the Orkney Islands.  It seems these islands, at the northern tip of Scotland, want to eradicate their entire stoat population to protect native birdlife.  There may be a handy solution here – why not send them down Blackburn where they can solve our rat problem, maybe take out the odd pigeon too.  This could be a case of killing two birds with one stoat.

Blackburn town centre’s oldest building, the former parish church of St John the Evangelist, was devastated by a fire in April.

It was home to a gallery, studio, cinema, theatre workshops and various local community groups.  These were all thriving, along with the Bureau – Centre for the Arts.  Four years of hard work went into getting this fine project up and running.  Thankfully, those people behind the Bureau are not the kind who give up without a fight and are continuing with this good work they have been doing, since setting up the centre, in other locations.  They are now based in the former Waterloo pub.

St John’s has a lot of affection from my point of view.  When Rovers were Premier League Champions, I was unemployed and enrolled on a scheme in here.  Blackburn’s Ethnic Minorities Development Association published a newspaper called Aawaz.  And this is where I learned all about desktop publishing.  It was also the place were my first book was typed out from my spidery longhand hieroglyphics and transcribed into a format for publishing.  A year later my book was published and on the shelves.

My book was never going to be everybody’s cup of tea, but it is just one example of how this building has encouraged and developed creativity and culture in our town.  All sorts of projects and activities have been started up and assisted in what became the Bureau of Blackburn.

Sadly, this fire has put the building out of action for now, but it raises questions over what future does St John’s church have after this terrible inferno?  From looking at the structure, its outer walls look intact, though its interior remains a burnt out shell.  Perhaps this building could be repaired and rebuilt and then brought back into use one day.  Blackburn may not be Paris and St John’s may not be Notre Dame.  But it is still our town centre’s oldest building and up to the fire, was serving our people like it had done since the 18^th century.

Many Blackburn people have been helped in some way by this building.  Whether it be through religious comfort and counselling or by calling into the Citizen’s Advice Bureau and Council for Voluntary Services, which were both based there for many years.  It would be nice to think this building may one day re-open and continue to serve the people of Blackburn once again, for many more years to come.

Blackburn based manufacturer, Zimpli Kids, recently hit the headlines for making a success out of slime.  They proved the slippy slope doesn’t always have to lead to failure.

The story of slime starts in the early 20th Century. That’s when the science of synthetic polymers was starting to be explored and amazing discoveries were being made. In the 1920s, scientists laid the groundwork for today’s polymers. A new molecular model of polymers was made suggesting they were formed in long, twisted, chain-like molecules. These models were confirmed later by two scientists using x-rays to study natural rubber (which is also a polymer). It was after this time that development of synthetic polymer and plastic materials really began to take off.

Various companies and corporations have developed and made polymer-based products, like slime, for many years. Early versions of modelling clay using polymers were sold.  In 1943, James Wright, was attempting to create a synthetic rubber polymer to help the US war effort during the second world war. He was unable to achieve certain properties he was looking for and put his creation on the shelf thinking it was a failure. A few years later, a salesman for the Dow Corning Corporation was using this ‘failure’ to entertain friends. One guest was intrigued with it and realized that it had potential as a new toy. After being advertised on the Howdy Doody Show in 1957, Silly Putty^® became a national toy phenomenon! In December 1968, it went to the Moon on Apollo 8. During the 1980s and into the 90s, various slime-based toys and were introduced by several manufacturers. The slime used was produced from polyvinyl alcohol (PVA), guar gum, and even milk.

Zimpli Kids operates from Blackburn’s Greenbank Business Park in what is now likely to be affectionately nicknamed the Slime Factory.  It makes its goo from powder, which it exports all around the world.  But unlike some of its overseas competitors, Zimpli Kids manufacturing process does not create an end product which results in poisonous or harmful materials which can be dangerous to children.  Their own website has a page dedicated to their product safety and testing certification.

As the old Northern saying states:  ‘Where there’s Muck, there’s Brass’.  It will be nice if we can say in in our town:  ‘Where there’s Gunge, there’s Gold’.  Thanks to Zimpli Kids, perhaps one day Blackburn could become the Slime capital of Britain.

Blackburn could be selected as the manufacturing base for producing sex dolls, making it become part of the growing adult entertainment industry.

This follows news that some people are prepared to pay more than £10k for one of these prototype models. Now a local surgical appliance factory is trying to win a contract to produce ‘Iris’ the female adult doll.  Her name pays homage to when this town had its own glass eye factory.  This came about due to high numbers of accidents in cotton mills, particularly in Blackburn.  It was founded by a retired teacher.  He found it a way of gaining pupils in more ways than one.

The boss of a local surgical appliance factory said an idea came to him when he walked around his factory store rooms and found loads of spare prosthetic body parts.  This gave him an idea where he could put together these spare parts to create his own prototype adult doll.

Our manager wished to remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of this controversial subject and ongoing negotiations with third parties.  But he was prepared to discuss practicalities in some detail.

“It used to embarrass me when I tried to pull a bird and she asked me what I did for a living. Telling her I made false body parts didn’t quite go down as well as saying I was a test pilot or played for Rovers.

“Some of these girls used to ask me if it was just false arms and legs I sold.  They seemed to be more interested in other parts we didn’t sell.  What irritated me most was when they asked me if any of my own body parts were false and did I take my work home with me?

“And so most of my weekends were well named.  They ended up with me going home early and watching telly on my own.  My time was spent dreaming about women rather than sleeping with them.  I might as well have had a doll of my own.  At least I could give my prototype a thoroughly good testing.”

For the record, his only false parts are his teeth.  But all this embarrassment may have proved to be a blessing in disguise for our unnamed manager.

Today’s adult entertainment industry is proving to be very lucrative.  Although meeting precision targets is proving to be a lot harder than ever before.  Demand for female and male doll’s spare parts is also rising all the time, along with the up and coming finished products.