Always at the cutting edge of technology, Blackburn Rovers are pioneering new uses of sensors to measure their footballers’ performance and wellbeing. It is hoped this will increase the club’s chances of a return to the higher echelons of the football pyramid.
Sensors will be inserted in player’s boot studs, their shirts and a special wristband. These body tracking gadgets will record everything from blood pressure, respiration and perspiration. Up to 4,000 data points could be collected per minute, including measurements of heat flux, skin temperature and electrical conductivity, motion and the burning of calories.
This gives the scientists and data collectors a chance to see how player’s bodies slow down during and after training sessions. Some of the players will be expected to take it in turns to wear the sensors, even when they take their afternoon naps after visiting the Black Bull at dinnertime. Sleep quality and dreaming can also be measured at the same time.
Data collection won’t be restricted to players and statisticians. All staff will be expected to do their bit in this ground-breaking quantifying exercise. Even workers in the club fish and chip shop and burger bar will be asked to keep tabs on the players’ dietary consumption. The escort agency staff will also have their own secret method of keeping certain performance stats.
There is a possibility sensory stimulation could also be delivered, but FIFA clearance would be required here. This would entail giving players mild electric shocks when they underperform. Unfortunately some think this technology may have arrived too late. There is also the player’s human rights and dignity to consider when inflicting punitive action using these devices.
One measure which may be acceptable to the PFA is for players on curfew, or having to wear a 24 hour tag, keeping sensors about their person for monitoring their movements. Other players could also have these attached the night before playing matches. As with every group, there are rebels. Some players see the sensors as a ‘Big Brother’ form of control and feel like human guinea pigs. One complained of modern football being run by statistics, though he kept quiet about the financial recompense. He said it was like being covered in ants when he was at the Brockhall Science Centre. His only pleasure was pulling the sensors off when going home after training. There, he could feel like a de-assimilated Borg Drone.
