Many Blackburn Rovers fans were taken by surprise one morning in October. There was a job advert on the Indeed website advertising for a First Team Opposition Analyst.
This seemed very strange to most people. You wouldn’t expect a professional football club to recruit staff using methods open to the general public? You might think they would use their own insider trade media. Or maybe Rovers had taken transparency and equality of opportunity to a whole new level. This Indeed advert linked through to Rovers’ own website, where a job description and application form could be found.
Their job application looked a bit boring really. It came across as a typical office job, rather like joining the civil service, or some other bureaucratic institution. Applicant background checks, work history and references were requested. It said high levels of interest were anticipated, which could lead to the post being closed earlier than its October 31st closing date.
What was not mentioned in the advert was the kind of work which might be expected of a potential applicant. Transparency was not in the job description for good reason. An example of what happens when things go wrong happened last season when Leeds United sent one of their employees on an undercover mission to do an opposition analytical assessment of Derby County at their training ground. The resulting debacle and £200k fine is just an example of occupational hazards which could occur if you get caught.
Resulting publicity can often show the offending club in a very bad light. Therefore, Rovers are aiming to recruit a very special kind of person to this position. One of the characteristics of this job, like others at the club, is you are on your own when things go wrong. The club will say you were not following procedure or key work objectives. So somebody slippery, able to impersonate regional accents and enjoy different kinds of local beer, is an ideal candidate choice.
Also being a master of disguises is a preferred qualification. Equipment will be provided to the successful applicant, including invisible ink and X-ray contact lenses. A uniform will be provided, incorporating the obligatory raincoat and trilby. This headgear also has access to an ear hearing amplifier which allows you to eavesdrop on conversations from as far as twenty feet away. Sounds can be amplified by 50 decibels so even the quietest tactics between unsuspecting managers and their players will be picked up with plenty of clarity.
For the successful candidate, rewards could be very lucrative. A generous financial package of £30k can be expected, along with regular trips to India. Once appointed, a mandatory non-disclosure agreement is expected to be signed by the appointed applicant.
