Frankenstein of the Rovers
Wouldn’t it be great if you could see some of your favourite players from the past in today’s Rovers team. We all have our dream-team of who would be in the club’s greatest eleven. But seeing them playing again in the famous blue and white halves isn’t quite the pipe-dream you think. Ever since the Brockhall training ground was set up, a unique laboratory was also added.
Rovers have been building a collection of not only their present and former players’ health records, but also their DNA. What they didn’t realise was the doctor they appointed to oversee this process was a madman. He meant well in his ideas of Rovers producing their own players, but took it quite literally. His experiments with cloning Brockhall’s rabbits proved successful. The next stage was to be a human. A body was snatched from a mortuary and experiments were carried out. Dr Frankenstein decided to go for broke and produce a copy of Blackburn Rovers’ greatest ever striker – Alan Shearer.
Two shadowy figures stand over a lifeless body, strapped down to a couch. One of them drinks the contents of a test-tube.
“Master, the formula, it doesn’t work”.
“Never mind Igor, the pain will soon wear off and the hair will fall from your hands and face, as it will from the cadaver”, said Dr Frankenstein.
“Now get up, the lightening is starting”.
“Yes Master. Will the creature come alive this time?”
“We shall see”, said Dr Frankenstein.
When the lightening strikes the giant electrodes, there is movement from the monster.
“Master, it moves, it’s alive”, screams Igor.
The monster sits up slowly after Frankenstein lets loose the straps holding it down. It heads towards Igor, pushes him out the way and stands in front of Dr Frankenstein – his father.
“My son, how do you feel after this latest operation?”
“I’ve head all the rumours flying around. I’m supposed to be past my best, to have lost a yard in pace, and so forth and so on. Well, everyone said the same when I did my cruciate ligaments in my first season at Blackburn Rovers and was out for nine months.”
The doctor gives his creation a football. But it all goes terribly wrong. The monster doesn’t kick the ball, instead puts it down and carries on talking.
“I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well”
“As far as I am concerned, nothing has changed. I will retire at the end of the season.”
Looks of horror cross the faces of Igor and Dr Frankenstein.
“One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best”, the monster continues.
This is the last straw for Frankenstein. With the help of Igor he leads the monster back to the couch and straps him down. There will be no new Alan Shearer for Blackburn Rovers.
“He doesn’t want to play football and won’t say when he’s going to be a manager either. They don’t need me to create monsters at the BBC – Back to the drawing board”, sighs Dr. Frankenstein.