Following criticism of Blackburn Rovers’ recent disciplinary record, the club is to send players on anger management treatment courses.

This follows Lucas Neill’s mistimed tackle on Jamie Carragher during our recent Liverpool match.  It became the catalyst which made Rovers management pursue a radical course of action.  Neill spent the rest of his post-match weekend imprisoned in one of the former hospital’s sensory deprivation tanks. Though disgraced and shunned by Rovers fans, he was not entirely alone.  Neill spent his time swimming with a dolphin called Dolly.

Manager, Graeme Souness, said a frontal lobotomy was considered.  But with today’s brand image of footballers, the possibility of facial disfigurement had to be avoided.  At least there was no chance of any brain damage.  Besides, Souness said in his playing days it wouldn’t have been a dolphin.  A Great White Shark would have been a far more fitting punishment.  Football used to be a man’s game twenty years ago.

It has been decided to make this new revolutionary treatment available to all Rovers’ playing staff.  Other activities are also to be included in the player’s anger management programme.  These include:  Yoga sessions, group therapy, acupuncture and PMD (post match depression) counselling.  Each player is also expected to be allocated their own social worker.

Using dolphins as swimming companions for Rovers players could be the answer to all their pent-up aggression.  It is the latest scientific football experiment to be pioneered at Brockhall.  It also continues a long tradition of mental health treatment on the site.  ‘4000 Holes’ fanzine began life in the old mental hospital too.  It continues this tradition up to the present day.