The Sample Pirates
Parker had fallen on hard times. From being Blackburn Rovers’ private detective, he was now working as a store detective. New owners at the club, relegation, his smart-arse Secretary walking out on him and even his beloved St John’s Tavern closing had hit him hard.
He sat in his seedy office, taking swigs from a beer bottle, while reflecting on his lot. Suddenly the phone started ringing. It was his Rovers insider contact at the other end.
‘Now listen here Nosey, we’ve got a mystery for you to solve.’
Parker was told a strange story about internal club dope tests. He smiled after hearing none of the players ever failed them. But the seriousness of the situation became apparent when told even the slightest trace of any banned substance failed to materialise. This sounded too good to be true – and probably was!
Meanwhile, in a clearing in the Malaysian jungle stands a mysterious temple. Inside, the Shab, a mysterious secret agent working for an Indian international crime syndicate, pulls curtains away to reveal a statue. It is a bronze likeness of his half-brother – Keanano.
Suddenly his eyes flash, like an electric light bulb inside a puppet mask. ‘Keanano’ he shouts. ‘Do you hear me my brother?’
On the other side of the world Keanano is going about his daily business, when he is suddenly afflicted by severe pain.
‘Aaahhhh…..’ he screams, falling to the ground.
The Shab uses his tortuous telepathic powers to force Keanano to do his bidding. This entails a plot to interfere with routine urine samples taken from Rovers players after training sessions. The hapless half-brother has experience of filling test-tubes. This follows his own unfortunate dope test some time ago in his dark past.
One night Keanano stopped late after the sample testing training session. He disabled the security code and entered the laboratory. He then proceeded to replace the weekly dope tests with those of his own.
What the unwitting donor didn’t realise was Parker had hidden himself inside the lab vending machine and filmed his illegal activities. It made a change for this private dick to be surrounded by soft drinks. Next day Keanano was pulled into a special investigation meeting with the police and Parker. He was told he wasn’t the one they wanted. The Shab was the big fish they wanted to fry. No chance with the Indians. They were more Teflon than a frying pan, nothing ever stuck to them. If Keanano co-operated, his evidence could help his chances of staying out of the slammer.
Parker hatched a plot better than a Venkys broiler. He would accompany Keanano to India and try to expose the crime syndicate – certainly their fiendish operative – the Shab.
There was a knock at Keanano’s bedroom door. When he opened it, there was the Shab. Suddenly the master criminal’s eyes flashed and Keanano felt the pain immediately.
‘You are under my power now’, said his evil half-brother. ‘Not even International Rescue can save Blackburn Rovers now’.
Unbeknown to the Shab, Parker filmed him turning his eyes on Keanano, while hiding in a grey wheelie-bin. This horrific use of his telepathic powers proved too much even for hardened criminals like the Indian crime syndicate. They had the Shab arrested on trumped-up charges and put Keanano into a psychiatric hospital.
The Shab was returned to Malaysia, to serve time in his own chicken coop. Keanano’s statue was melted down and he made a full recovery. He even managed to get a job as a manservant on a mysterious tropical island, looking after his own thunderbird, Lady Desai.
The Indian crime syndicate saw the error of their ways and started putting their hands in their pockets. Everything at Rovers became rosy again. And it was all down to one man – Nosey Parker, private dick extraordinaire. There was even a happy ending for him. He got his job back at Rovers; now he’s ready to solve the next mystery round the corner.