Rovers Get Their Knockers Out
Due to falling season ticket sales, Blackburn Rovers have come up with a novel idea for pulling in new fans. They have done a deal with the Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses.
This follows the latest fans survey on increasing local support. One fan suggested: ‘If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain.”
Blackburn has substantial numbers of Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons. At nearby Chorley, the Mormons have their largest temple in Britain. Both these religious groups are experienced cold-callers and specialise in converting people to their particular faiths. Hopefully they can do a job for Rovers, by turning round our dwindling support and give our fans some religious zeal. It also gives these religious zealots a new market for their attention.
A set of ground rules was negotiated by Rovers for dealing with the two groups. They were not to mention being invited to the ‘big game’ on Saturday. It sounds like ‘bigamy’ and may be insulting to Mormons. Different terminology applied to the Jehovah’s Witnesses. There was to be no talk of bringing in ‘new blood’ or injecting a cash transfusion into the club. Both groups also informed Rovers how very important their privacy was to them. A list of addresses of their adherents was supplied to the club so people would not knock at their doors and disturb them.
Unfortunately it didn’t start off well for Rovers’ first batch of missionaries. They went on the knock in the Revidge area of Blackburn. Their first attempt was on Leamington Road – Blackburn Rovers’ spiritual home. They knocked at a door and asked a family if they would like to buy a season ticket. The missionaries were harshly rejected by the lady of the house, who slammed the door in their faces. To her consternation, the door did not close completely but swung back towards her.
“Get your foot out of my door!” she shouted angrily.
“But madam….” the senior companion began. But she didn’t listen and she slammed the door even harder. It swung back towards her again.
Furiously she screamed: “Get your blue and white foot out of my door!”
“But madam…..” he began again.
“Don’t ‘But Madam’ me!” she screamed, turning purple and slamming the door again, this time with both hands, only to see it swing back at her a third time.
“Aaaaaaaaargggghhhhhhhhh!” she screamed hysterically.
The junior companion stepped forward and said softly through the door opening: “Madam, you will be able to shut the door if you first remove your cat.”
Fortunately this was only an isolated incident. Many new fans have been pulled in by the club’s new missionaries. The choice of a Blackburn Rovers season ticket instead of regular visits and sermons by the Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses has proved to be an excellent sales pitch. So if you want to keep them at bay – show them your season ticket.