The tabloid press has once again been slagging off Rovers and the people of Blackburn. 

This follows the decision of Dion Dublin, or his agent, to turn down a transfer here.  Some elements of the press blame Dublin’s decision on the image problem Blackburn Rovers and the town seem to have.  But the problem is really a conspiracy originating in Wapping.  We have uncovered a secret file giving details of how tabloid journalists behaved in Blackburn during the early days of the Walker Revolution.  This is what really happened.

In the Wapping office of the Sun, during 1991, Editor Kelvin MacKenzie hastily called a meeting of his sports reporters and news journalists.

“Nah listen to me you useless barstards!  Where’s this bladdy place called Blackburn?”

A newshound replies:  “Why boss that’s where that steel magnate has bought the football club.”

“Shut your marf, you smart Alec.  The word’s magnet, not magnate you ignorant prat.

“I know all about that.  It’s where he comes from I wanna know about.  Now where’s Blackburn? I won’t ask you again.”

Another reporter says:  “It’s up North Boss, near Scotland.  They’ve got a football team called Rovers and they make bread at their ground.”

“Right, that’s unusual.  A football club which makes bread,” says Kelvin.  “Seeing as you’re such a bladdy expert on the subject, you can get on the train and dig the dirt on this place.  Take a few of your useless mates with you.”

So the hacks board the train and head up North.  At Blackburn they come out the station and go straight into the Star and Garter.  Three hours later they are all legless after drinking the local bitter.  Later they realise they have a job to do.

“The boss is gonna kill us, we’re supposed to dig the dirt not get pissed up all day,” says one of the hacks.

“Don’t worry about Kelvin,” his colleague replies.  “He’s as fick as pigshit, how do you think he got the job?  Creeped up Murdoch’s arse!

“Tell him what he wants to hear.  Now shat your marf and get some more of this strong Northern beer in.”

The reporters leave the Star and Garter and fall into the Adelphi.  After more rounds of drinks the pads come out and the scribbling starts.  ‘Coronation Street’ is on TV.  Everything stops while the journalists watch the episode.  Then ‘Brass’ follows the ‘Street’.  This seems to inspire them even more and they produce loads of copy about life up North.  After last orders they stagger back to the station and head back to the Smoke.  They never did make it to Ewood Park, or find the bakery.

Next day the splash on the Sun’s front page is: IT’S BLEAK UP NORTHSun reporters visit the land of cotton mills and coalmines.  They go on to describe Blackburn as a place populated by men in clogs and women in shawls climbing hills of cobbled streets.  Where nobody has a job and everybody lives on tripe and black puddings.  They also list ten things you could buy in Blackburn for a million pounds.  This style of reporting becomes the stereotype used ever since to describe us.

So now every Rovers fan knows what really happened back in 1991.  We just have to put up with the drivel written about Blackburn by the gutter press.  Remember it doesn’t matter whether they say good things or bad things about us.  At least they are saying things about us.  Next time we’ll send them to the Postal Order, where they don’t have a telly.