Venky’s say they are sick of Blackburn Rovers fans making their lives a misery, so have come up with a scheme which almost makes death pleasurable.
They have decided to take their animal products empire forward to its logical conclusion. From their origins as an egg hatchery, they now want to get involved in the other end of this process and set up their ultimate disposal solution of man’s best friend – pet funerals.
This idea came to the Venky’s following a recent visit they made to Blackburn Museum. What caught the family’s imagination was a stuffed greyhound on display. It was called ‘Bed of Stone’, a champion hare courser, who won the Waterloo Cup in 1872. It was left to the people of Blackburn by a brother of William Briggs, who was a cotton magnate and one of Blackburn’s former MP’s.
Venky’s didn’t really understand the meaning of hare coursing, but liked the idea of creating a hare restorer – especially Balaji. It made them want to pursue this issue further. Someone also suggested stuffing animals – like they already do with chickens – would be a brilliant business opportunity for them. Why bury or cremate your beloved Rover when you could keep a stuffed reminder of him in your house or garden for perpetuity?
It is also rumoured Venky’s had their first ever egg-laying hen stuffed in more ways than one. It was freeze-dried and preserved out of gratitude for the start it gave them when they set up their own hatchery.
After their disastrous tenure at Blackburn Rovers, man’s best friend is the last thing anybody thinks of when it comes to our Indian owners. ‘Johnny No Mates’ is probably a more appropriate label for Rovers’ absentee landlords. Their description of our club as their ‘baby’ has also gone down badly with Rovers fans. Many say Venky’s would be facing child abuse charges if Rovers was a real baby. Some kind of FA Social Services is needed to take our club off them and put it up for adoption.
Venky’s have not ruled out building their own pet cemetary either. After giving up on their plans to sell Rovers’ Brockhall training ground, other uses for it are now being explored. Now they have almost killed off their pet football team, it looks like they might just as well leave us dead and buried in our own resting place. Blackburn Rovers will then be well and truly stuffed.